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"A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

10. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About:

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1.  I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2.  No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3.  Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4.  A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5.  The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6.  Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7.  To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8.  Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9.  Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10.  Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11.  There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12.  Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13.  Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

1.  Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book...It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.  The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies.  Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7.  It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.  A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9.  My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

10.  A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

11.  I'm so depressed...  My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.  He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.  I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.  I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.  He said, Will!?  What will?  I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

13.  Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,whatever. Just never let the brain idle.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When they are grown, and you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not guilt.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

Remember, Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....

A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel  guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.  You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk  of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle  of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A TALIBAN You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels

GOOD ADVICE TO LIVE BY

If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep. 

The smallest good deed is better than the  grandest intention. 

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. 

The best vitamin for making friends....B1. 

The 10 commandments are not multiple choice. 

The happiness of your life depends on the quality  of your thoughts. 

Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open. 

Ideas won't work unless YOU do. 

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time. 

One who lacks the courage to start has already finished. 

The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge. 

Don't learn safety rules by accident. 

We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves. 

Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise. 

A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's head out. 

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word. 

A friend walks in when everyone else walks out. 

AND FINALLY... 

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!!

A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

May God Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too.

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs one.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the fly, some days you are the windshield.

If you can keep your head when those around you are losing theirs, you have not yet grasped how serious the situation is.

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Some of his more thoughtful words:

1.   Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2.   Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.   There are two theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4.   Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5.   Always drink upstream from the herd.
6.   If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7.   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8.   There are three kinds of men:
      (a.) The ones that learn by reading.
      (b.) The few who learn by observation.
      (c.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9.   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad  judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY ... after eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

On growing older...

1.   Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2.   The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3.   Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
4.   When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
5.   You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
6.   I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
7.   One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
8.   One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
9.   Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

On what's important in life..

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another game. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

17. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

18. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

19. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Which one are you?

A young woman went to her mother and complained about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which one are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

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